frustrated

If you read the last two post you will see that we had a great Saturday. Derrick was able to spend the day with Hannah and I spent the day with Hunter. I think it is good for them to get one of our undivided attention for a whole day. It all went so well until dinner. I cooked ham and cheese roll ups, (just crescent rolls with ham and cheese in them) green beans and tomatoes. All of which both of my children eat. As I was making them I remembered Hannah telling me the last time I made them that she did not really like ham, but that she liked turkey, so I made a few with turkey in  them (I also ran out of ham so that was the only way I could finish making them). I fixed the kids plates, put them on the table, and we all sat down as a family to eat. I am just setting the seen for you of how nice our day had been. Hunter ate most of the meat, but peeled all of the bread off. He is not a bread eater. Hannah said, as soon as we sat down, I don't like this dinner. Derrick told her sorry but she had to eat if they were going to watch Alice in Wonderland together. She ate all of her green beans and a few tomatoes. She complained again about not liking the roll up. Hunter has now finished his dinner and is asking for "zert." Hannah eats some of the roll around the meat. She took one tiny little bit of the whole roll up. Now Derrick and I are finished eating and Hunter is finished with his meal and dessert. We let him get down. Derrick told her she had five minutes to eat her dinner or they were not going to watch the movie. She is really starting to whine now. I DO NOT DO WHINING!!!!!!!!!! Hannah is a good girl the majority of the time, but over the last few weeks she has become very whiny and has started talking back to us. Back to the story. After her five minutes were up she started crying and acting like a crazy person when Derrick told her no movie. After listening to it for about five minutes I lost it. I told her to go to her room. She told me she did not want to and continued to pitch a fit. I then gave her a spanking, with the spoon, put her in the bath tub and put her to bed, all in about 10 minutes. She was crying and carrying on so much that she made herself throw up. WHAT IN THE WORLD!!!!!! I feel like a horrible mom for fussing at her, spanking her, and for letting it get to this point. I am not sure how it happened. Derrick and I told her that from now on if she talks back or we have to tell her more than once to do something she is getting a spanking and going to her room. I guess we have just gotten slack, me really, making what we say happen and have been given her too many chances. I know she is only 5 but she knows how to behave and we expect for her to do what she is told. I talked to her asked her if she knew why I had fussed at her and spanked her. She said because she was bad. I told her no, she is not bad, she was not making good choices. I told her it is my job as a mom to teach her to do the right thing and that God gave me that job to take seriously. She said she understood and went to bed. I just went back to check on her and she is sleeping so peacefully. I rubbed her head for a minute and gave her kisses. I want to have all good days with her, but I know that is not going to happen. I want to be a great mom and sometimes I feel like I am and other times, I feel like I do not have a clue what to do and that I am the world's worst. I have really been praying that God would show us, especially me, how to be the parents we should be for her and Hunter. I feel like I failed miserably tonight. I am thankful that God will keep helping me and I will keep trying. Thanks for reading this very long, rambling post.